Tag Archives: Late Night

Stephen Colbert Learns Dressage: “Who’s Winning? Me, or the Horse?”

Ok, so I know I am incredibly late to this party (it happened earlier this week), but for those of you who are also late to the party: Stephen Colbert did a two segment special bit his “adventure in the workaday world of horse ballet,” as part of his personal celebration of the Olympics, otherwise known as “fighting our enemies in a sports-themed proxy war.”

In addition to dubbing Dressage “horse ballet” or “horse prom,” Colbert provided further clarification to the American public by describing dressage as “the sport of the summer—for those who use ‘summer’ as a verb.”

Touché.

Other definitions include:

Passage: Horsey walking sideways.

Piaffing: Fancy prancing.

You’re going to want to see that video here and then here.

 

 

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Filed under Commenting, Obscure Summer Sports, Television

Bill Cosby: Everybody’s Hero

You probably saw The New York Times article in praise of the illustrious career of Bill Cosby, “Mining Cosby’s Golden Past,” counting down a top five examples of his televised genius. You may or may not have gone the distance and actually watched the clips, but they made my day, so I just had to post them.

You know I just love Letterman.

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Ben & Jerry’s: Things to Know, Not Just Schweddy Balls

On an unsuccessful quest for the new limited edition Schweddy Balls Ben & Jerry’s pint, I discovered this magic.

Yes, this exists and it is delicious.

Also, this exists, and I am a little afraid of it.

I cannot imagine it cannot be better than the Stephen Colbert themed AmeriCone Dream, but that’s just me and my opinion. Have you seen that tragic new Jimmy Fallon Capital One commercial?

Sidebar: all the people who apparently take moral issue with ‘Schweddy Balls’ are just going to have to accept the fact that 1990s Saturday Night Live skits have officially become classics.

And who doesn’t love Alec Baldwin? And who doesn’t love rum, ice cream and malt balls?

As Baldwin said in his sixteenth host monologue for Saturday Night Live on this weekend’s season premiere: If you have a problem with ‘Schweddy Balls,’ then “Ben and Jerry’s has a new ice cream flavor just for you. It’s called ‘Go Fudge Yourself.'”

NBC.com / Mary Ellen Matthews

Onwards with my hunt for the elusive pint.

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Filed under Cuisining, Informative

Illuminating My Life: Bill Burr on Letterman

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I am kind of an old man inside, and I really enjoy David Letterman.

Recently, comedian Bill Burr was featured as the end-of-show stand up fellow. It was life illuminated, as you may have inferred from the title of this post. I was so entirely amused, that here I am—days and days later—sharing the magic.

In short…

On reality tv: “You know, with shows where they stick like ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife.”

On face lifts: “There’s no shirt for your face.”

On not drinking: “I remember every second of this year. It’s brutal, I don’t know what to do with myself. All my shirts are folded. The bed’s made. I’m sitting around waiting for Christmas.”

On ladies: “When I was a kid, I thought my dad was crazy. Then when I got older, I started dating and I realized, ehh… he’s making a lotta good points.”

On dogs: “I gotta work on my temper you know, it’s screwing up the dog. It is. We rescued a pit bull, which is basically like owning a teenage lion, you know. And I didn’t realize that dogs, like, they feed off your vibes. Like, if you’re chilling, they’re chilling, if you’re sleeping, theyre sleeping, but if you’re a psycho like me and you’re screaming at the ref on tv like ‘you gotta be kidding me!’ I didn’t realize the dog was in the corner like, ‘You gotta be kidding me…grrrr.'”

“Mentally the dog is walking through the tunnel at the Rose Bowl, like: This is what we play for! Somebody hit somebody!

Literally, Burr finished his dog bit, ten minutes passed, I’m chopping spinach, and suddenly I am cracking up, pissing myself just remembering the dog bit. 100% true (both my reaction, and his observations on dogs).

In long…

Also, who else is excited for Park and Recreation to be back?

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Filed under General Hilarity, Television

Things You Need to Know From the Past Week or So

In case you don’t follow me on Twitter, which honestly, you really should because I am just a wealth of wonderful information, quips and minutiae… I am going to go all bullet points on you and note a couple things that you should note if you haven’t already.

  1. George W. Bush’s mother put a miscarried fetus in a jar and that somehow made Dubya super pro-life. Dear creepy, stop. Old news by now, but still. Ew.
  2. Johnny Weir will be judging—aka utilizing his second nature—on ABC’s Skating with the Stars, a post-Olympic year take-off of Dancing with the Stars which is sure to be horrid and amazing all at the same time. I cannot wait.
  3. Scott Hamilton returned to comment on figure skating at Skate America and there will be a post to follow, revealing all the magic.
  4. On the final and drunkest hour of the The Today Show, Kathie Lee and Hoda recently re-created the evolution of dance YouTube video. Kathie Lee threw a tantrum the entire time. Hoda got really excited about “getting low” and the whole thing is hilarious and merits watching to the end. Promise.
  5. A coyote was spotting gamboling down State Street in Chicago moments after my “Fear the Coyote” post, thus confirming all my fears ever and that I suffer not because I live in the wilderness but because they have no fear. Note that last year one wandered into a Loop restaurant and just hung out unnoticed for way too long.
  6. I learned by watching Conan that that really is Jack McBrayer’s voice.
  7. And if you really live under a rock, Tina Fey won the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Amy Poehler said she was rocking the Evita essence.
  8. Lastly, Andy Samberg’s SNL digital short about the Model UN was fully hilarious and my sister and I might be in the process of memorizing it inadvertently, because we like to shout it randomly at each other. You heard it here first.
  9. The Chicago Sun-Times misspelled Kate Middleton as “Middleman” throughout an entire article on her and Prince William’s engagement in today’s paper. It was the saddest thing I ever skimmed, because in another article that was specifically about her ring, they had the spelling correct. Does this mean I can get a job as fact-checker or something?
  10. And last but not least—in fact most—the Beatles are finally on iTunes, and I found out from Voldemorte. (P.S. if you have an extra ticket for Harry Potter this weekend, call me).

 

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Filed under Commenting, From the Morning, General Hilarity, Television

Conan’s “Second Annual First Show”

“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.'”

“You’re Kanye West?!”

So Conan came back last night. I remembered halfway through, but luckily there was a rerun. That’s the great thing about basic cable. Lots of reruns.

I never watched Conan religiously. I tend to get sleepy—although my move from EST to CST has ameliorated that to an extent. On the other hand, primetime starts before I even sit down to dinner, so that’s a problem. I haven’t seen Community on-time in weeks. Thank goodness now that I’ve moved home (where I am forced both to watch and live my own version of Shit My Dad Says), I live with the benefit of a DVR—something I could not afford in my Manhattan shoebox.

Maybe I can take a note from Conan on the restructuring of life goals and dreams: “I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.”

And I’m not even anywhere near that old, so I have lots of time to dream…right?

If Conan can achieve his dream of fitting his entire time off into one joke (“That’s  like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill, comma, Brett Favre’s penis”), then I can achieve my dream of functioning like a real person.

Don’t take away my dreams.

It was entertaining, despite how I have never cared much for the masturbating bear and probably never will. I also detest Lea Michelle (yeah, whatever Gleeps—don’t like her, don’t like her show).

Conan’s got a similar kind of retro-y set in the same color scheme, because—let’s face it—when you have Conan’s coloring there aren’t a many color schemes out there that are going to work for you. Even with the best in make-up and lighting.

tbs.com

On the other hand I think Conan has really hit on something by growing and keeping that beard. It hides some of the waxiness that is so apparent in the terrifying “Ex-Talk Show Host” mask that Andy Richter thinks looks “kind of like an Asian Val Kilmer,” despite being “very authentic” when you wear it because “inside it smells like tears.”

At any rate, Conan just looks jollier in a beard.

Plus he said that Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock will be on later this week, so I’ll have to tune in again.

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Shaun White Is Willing to Teach David Letterman’s Son to Skateboard

This is what I took away from Shaun White‘s recent appearance (10/29) on the Late Show with David Letterman.

He was promoting his latest video game. It’s for skateboarding. I know nothing about it. I just know that Shaun White is a better product than the Olsen twins—and they had that tied up for a really long time.

Shaun White and David Letterman on the Late Show/CBS.com

Anyway, White was his usual affable self on the show (probably a skills set stemming from having had a sponsor since he could walk or some such thing), encouraging people to give snowboarding at least three days if they are going to try it, telling Dave to just give his seven-year-old kid a helmet and let him loose, and getting stoked.

CBS.comLetterman opened by stating, “I watched the Olympics—how cool was that?”

Well, yeah, we know.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, news from months and months ago and then down to it:

“I just tell everyone: give it three days, you know and really commit to it. And if it’s not your thing, then you know, walk away. But you don’t have to do what I’m doing to have a good time.”

Letterman senses free lessons.

“But now wait a minute so you’re saying, if when we finally get some snow and I get a guy like you or somebody to teach me how to snowboard, it’ll take three days?”

“Ahh, I would say at least give it three days… you know, you gotta give it a couple days.”

It turns out that Letterman senior and junior and have been alpine skiing for a two seasons now and Dave is considering the switch because, “the people that I’ve talk to that have switched to snowboarding say they’re never looking back. That it’s so much more fun than alpine skiing—and why is that?”

“There’s something about it, there’s kind of like a flow to the sport.”

On the other hand, “You know when you’re a beginning skier like me there’s nothing scarier than that sound of a snowboard sliding on ice behind you, and you’re just waiting to have your pelvis shattered!”

There are few things as cringe-worthy as the phrase ‘shattered pelvis.’

They moved on to White’s third board-related activity: surfing.

“You know, every time I see one of these surfing documentaries—and by God I’ve seen them all—everybody talks about the stoke.”

“The stoke,” repeated White, nodding wisely.

“Yeah. And I wanna be stoked.”

“I could see that, I could see that,” stroking his chin as Letterman continues to rile himself up.

“But you know what I’m talking about? I think there’s something missing in my life. I’m 63—I don’t think I’ve ever been stoked!”

Despite all this curiosity about being stoked, however, Letterman remains reluctant to set his kid loose on a skateboard.

“Aw, just give him a helmet and let him go.”

“Will you come up to the house?”

“I’ll come help you out.”

“Alright.”

“Least I could do.”

“So you’ll come up to the house.”

“I would love to.”

“I’m talking about tonight.”

Wah, wah, waaaaah. White did not seem too confident about that timeline, but in my dream world, Harry Letterman got a skateboarding lesson from Shaun White just in time for terrorizing people on Halloween.

***

Postscript: Amar’e Stoudemire’s Top Ten (reasons he is excited to play for the New York Knicks) was pretty amazing.

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Filed under Commenting, Ponderings, Television, [Obscure] Winter Sports