Illuminating My Life: Bill Burr on Letterman


I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I am kind of an old man inside, and I really enjoy David Letterman.

Recently, comedian Bill Burr was featured as the end-of-show stand up fellow. It was life illuminated, as you may have inferred from the title of this post. I was so entirely amused, that here I am—days and days later—sharing the magic.

In short…

On reality tv: “You know, with shows where they stick like ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife.”

On face lifts: “There’s no shirt for your face.”

On not drinking: “I remember every second of this year. It’s brutal, I don’t know what to do with myself. All my shirts are folded. The bed’s made. I’m sitting around waiting for Christmas.”

On ladies: “When I was a kid, I thought my dad was crazy. Then when I got older, I started dating and I realized, ehh… he’s making a lotta good points.”

On dogs: “I gotta work on my temper you know, it’s screwing up the dog. It is. We rescued a pit bull, which is basically like owning a teenage lion, you know. And I didn’t realize that dogs, like, they feed off your vibes. Like, if you’re chilling, they’re chilling, if you’re sleeping, theyre sleeping, but if you’re a psycho like me and you’re screaming at the ref on tv like ‘you gotta be kidding me!’ I didn’t realize the dog was in the corner like, ‘You gotta be kidding me…grrrr.'”

“Mentally the dog is walking through the tunnel at the Rose Bowl, like: This is what we play for! Somebody hit somebody!

Literally, Burr finished his dog bit, ten minutes passed, I’m chopping spinach, and suddenly I am cracking up, pissing myself just remembering the dog bit. 100% true (both my reaction, and his observations on dogs).

In long…

Also, who else is excited for Park and Recreation to be back?

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Filed under General Hilarity, Television

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