Fear the Coyote


I do.

Coyotes have been sighted in my neighborhood recently. My sister walked into one in our alley whilst walking the dog.

In what outpost of civilization do I live, you might ask?

Chicago. I live in Chicago.

I live in Chicago and if my dog gets eaten by a wild coyote I am going to get a a shotgun at my local Walmart (which thanks to my local crazy-ass pro-gun folk, is now possible) and go on a rampage. You heard it here first.

My dog is not tiny per se, but she’s not coyote-fighting material. For instance, she is afraid of the local elementary school football team because sometimes they jog around the park in a pack. It’s terrifying and it requires her to hide behind the nearest tree, under the nearest shrub, or—other options lacking—behind me. She’s not convinced that I can protect her. I feel likewise.

She did catch a baby squirrel once, but she didn’t know what to do with it. I think she just wanted a play buddy because although she continually cornered it and nudged it with her nose, she left it unscathed aside from a bad case of nerves, and eventually let the thing go.

Like I said, not coyote-fighting material. Napping material? Yes.

Anyways, I did some research on coyotes in hope of assuaging my fears.

Fail.

A) Chicago is mentioned multiple times in the Wikipedia article on coyotes.

B) When I type “coyote” into Google, “coyotes in Chicago” is a suggested query.

So I bit. I queried. And I landed on the Illinois Department of Natural Resources. This is what I learned:

Apparently some heartless fiends appreciate the fact that coyotes kill between 70-80% of fawns annually.

Baby. Deer. Bambi.

They eat Bambi, and people are into this. Was no one else forced to watch Bambi as a child? The website states that deer are a danger to drivers in urban areas. What about coyotes? I bet they run into the traffic too.

Oh, right: And. They. Bite.

Apparently they can also hop 8 foot fences. And they are taking over our cities. Look it up. Remember the coyote in Central Park? I mean, I prefer a nice curated park to the wilderness myself, but I if I had a job, I would pay taxes to pay for said park. The coyote just tries to eat my dog for free.

So live in fear. Live in fear of finding this on your block.

I mean, I do.

P.S. For fun, say “coyote” without the “e” on the end. That is how you should obviously be reading this post.

P.P.S. My mother suggested getting mace. Seriously. SERiously.

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2 Comments

Filed under Really.

2 responses to “Fear the Coyote

  1. Kathlen

    I learned a long time ago in Indiana, that the only proper way to pronounce the name of that animal is without the “e” on the end. I am glad you agree.

  2. Pingback: Things You Need to Know From the Past Week or So | Words to Bumble

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