Well the Golden Globes—that drunken pre-game party to the Oscars—went down Sunday evening. What a joy. I missed much of the red carpet situation, but unluckily for me I did manage to catch Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue, leading me to wonder: how did he get asked back to host, and for heaven’s sake will it happen again next year?
Sure, his snippets were occasionally funny. Emphasis on the occasional aspect. Overall, that laughter you heard was nervous, horrified and embarrassed twittering. We all know that Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson are crazy. Give it up. My main beef with his repertoire is not that it is too mean or harsh, but rather that a lot of what he said sounded tired, and indeed had already been touched upon at last year’s Golden Globes. Plus, thick skins aside: if no one in the room is laughing at a particular quip, then as a comedian you have a bit of a problem on your hands.
The really funny thing is that Gervais looks as though he knows he is bombing it, and just hoping for someone to pull him off-stage with a cane or umbrella handle, ending the whole affair.
Here’s an idea: Pay Tina Fey whatever she wants and have her do it. Everyone loves Tina and her continued loyalty to the writing side of things.
Here is my own personal award for the night: Cutest Golden Globes Moment goes to Kaley Cuoco presenting Jim Parsons with the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical. It’s adorable because they are both on the show and she literally could not contain herself and was jumping up and down. Also they both have kind of funny voices.
Spare us the adorbs moments you might say; where are the dresses?
Two words: Olivia Wilde. Two more words: best dress. Two more: sparkly and poufy.
Need I say more?
Note her shoes.
Most heinous dress of the night? Dear January Jones, first you host one of the worst Saturday Night Lives in recent memory (last winter), then you show up to the Golden Globes in this.
Has the good design of Mad Men had absolutely no effect on you?
My favorite random audience footage moment of the night is a tie. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt vs. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.
Early-ish on in the proceedings the cameras inevitably panned towards the pair. Clearly they were drawn in by the extremely geometric shoulder pads on Jolie’s Golden Girls-esque gown (I did not approve of it at all, by the way). The first incident involved Jolie turning around and—I imagine—somewhat exasperatedly attending to the correcting of Mr. Pitt’s bow tie. I imagine the conversation going something like this:
Angelina: “I specifically got you a clip-on bow tie so that we could avoid having this scene in front of all our friends and haters.”
Brad: “Oh Angie, you’re so perfect, I figured I’d better just let you do it. Also I hate bow ties. They’re very constricting.”
The French word for bow tie is papillon. It also means butterfly. Maybe they were speaking French.
The second incident occurred during Robert DeNiro’s speech in acceptance of his Cecil B. DeMille Award. Jolie just whipped out the lip gloss, because sometimes you just need to fix your face. I do not recall have ever seen anyone do such a thing under the lens of the audience spy cameras. I found it entertaining.
Also entertaining were some of DeNiro’s reflections on his life’s work.
Things like recognizing it is a good thing the Hollywood Foreign Press selected him for the lifetime achievement award before they had a chance to review Little Fockers.
Other parts of his speech reminded us that even someone like Robert DeNiro can be really awkward.
What else was awkward?
When Natalie Portman got up to accept her Globe for Best Actress (Black Swan: just saw it, still reeling—so is my sister) she gave a lovely little thank you to her grandmother for birthing her mother, and then to her mother and father who were there with her, for birthing her. Then she went on to thank fiancé Benjamin Millepied for continuing that journey of creation with her. OK, fine, sure. She’s having a baby, she’s happy and thankful, OK.
She goes on to point out who Millepied is by telling us that in the Black Swan scene where one of the male dancers agrees that he would not sleep with Portman’s character because she is so not seductive—that’s him! And, “he’s best actor, it’s not true—he totally wants to sleep with me!” Nervous, high-pitched laughter ensued from the lady and audience.
She also told presenter Jeff Bridges that she loved him.
Notable appearances in the accessories department? Transitions lenses. It would appear that many a celeb has in invested in clear-to-shaded lens technology for their glasses. It also appears that even the famed and fortuned suffer the same embarrassing side effects of Transitions as my parents: sometimes those high-tech lenses simply cannot tell if you are inside or outside, cloudy or sunny, or just under really bright lights. I am talking to you Robert Downey, Jr., Johnny Depp and Tim Allen. Yes I am.
(Sidenote: Ricky Gervais was right about one thing—what on earth does Tim Allen do anymore besides Toy Story?)
And finally, Honorable Mention of the Night goes to Helena Bonham Carter for being just plain crazy but fabulous, even when she wears some of the things that she wears, whether it’s a Harry Potter premiere or the Golden Globes.
Again, you have to note the shoes.