I have trouble rating things, so we’re going in chronological order. Again, this has been rigorously researched.
- Sorcerer’s Stone: “Trooooooll in the dungeon!” Where we are treated to Professor Quirrell’s masterful dissembling.
- Chamber of Secrets: Ron’s face the entire time he and Harry are careening about in the flying Ford Anglia, straight into the whomping willow: “I think we found the train…” “Mind that tree! “My wand, look at my wand…squeaky squeaky unintelligible Grint hilarity.”
- Chamber of Secrets: “Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does.” Words of wisdom from Professor Lockhart during detention. Somehow, these words make me feel Lockhart and Jenna Maroney (“my celebritaaaay”) of 30 Rock might get along really well—or hate each other a lot.
- Chamber of Secrets: Lockhart loses his memory down in the Chamber because he attempts to use Ron’s broken wand, which obviously backfires after that whomping willow incident: “Hello. Who are you? Who am I? It’s an odd sort of place, isn’t it? “D’you live here?” And then Ron whacks him with a rock.
Prisoner of Azkaban: Ron is having his nightmare about spiders while Harry stays up late stalking the marauder’s map: “Spiders want me to tap dance. I don’t want to tap dance!” “Tell those spiders Ron.”
Prisoner of Azkaban: After exiting the whomping willow, Harry leaves Ron and Hermione to go talk to Sirius. as he goes, Hermione says, “That looks really painful,” to which Ron replies, “It’s sort of painful, they might chop it… it’ll have to be chopped off.” You know, because they love each other, so she has to be concerned and he has to be overly dramatic.
- Goblet of Fire: Filch running into the Great Hall whilst Dumbledore is introducing the Triwizard Tournament. Keep those knees high!
- Goblet of Fire: Ron learns to dance with McGonagall, Fred and George fall into antics like “a bunch of bumbling, babbling baboons.”
- Goblet of Fire: Harry and Ron talk about getting dates in study hall, Fred/George asks Angelina via pantomime, Ron notes that Hermione is a girl, Snape whacks both he and Harry on the head multiple times for talking.
- Goblet of Fire: Neville gives in to dramatics after giving Harry gillyweed. “Oh my God, I’ve killed Harry Potter!”
- Order of the Phoenix: Umbridge’s “teacher evaluation” of Snape: “You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, is that correct?” “Yes.” “But you were unsuccessful?” “Obviously.”
- Half-blood Prince: Hermione warns Harry about love potions destined for “The Chosen One,” and does her favorite thing ever, which is beating people with books.
- Half-blood Prince: Lavender draws a breath-fog heart with her and Ron’s initials on the door of a compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Harry almost vomits.
- Half-blood Prince: Harry expands on why people might find acromantulas scary at Aragog’s funeral.