Last week we were treated to cut-out torsos and low cut backs for the ladies, bare chests for the men. As ballroom dance and figure skating costumes go (Words to Bumble areas of expertise), this was not out of the blue. We were not shocked. We were mildly appalled by some choices, but we were not shocked.
This week, the trend shifted to female contestants swathing themselves in sheets, much as Ariel did in Disney’s The Little Mermaid upon her discovery that being naked is a significantly more scandalous as a human than a merperson. It’s tunics, tunics and drapery galore– minus the modesty generally associated with the term tunic, but what else to call these swaths of fabric?
The most authentic Ariel enthusiast– OK, perhaps more appropriately we can call it a circa 1960s interpretation of a vestal virgin in a really authentic Hollywood masterpiece depicting antiquity– was the Pussycat Doll. She probably prefers to be called by her actual name– Nicole Scherzinger– but calling her the Pussycat is much more entertaining. Nicole sported a quasi-laurel leaf circlet for some reason and once again showcased her most buoyant and engaging assets.
Seriously… it was weird. It was particularly bizarre when taking a look at the other competitors. Clearly the costume department at Dancing with the Stars run on a weekly theme. Pamela Anderson presented yet another take on the Oh-I-just-threw-on-a-sheet look with a voluminous yet skimpy shoulder draping number. Carrie Ann expressed her love of the number by saying, “Something very profound was happening.”
Edyta Sliwinski the professional half of team Aiden Turner turned in a scanty but truly magical display merging the cut-out ensembles of last week and the draped tunic theme of this week, all in a retina scarring silver lamé. It reminded me of the blue lamé ice dancers, only it was even more embarrassing. At least she had the decency to look a little ashamed of her retro-yet-futuristic atrocity in the group picture.
There is no explanation for what is happening there.
Favorite quotatable moments of an evening scared by these visions of madness?
Bruno– who hovers out of his seat every time he gets even mildly excited about talking to the dancers– exclaimed to Kate Gosselin: “We having [sic] a mini break-through here! … You’re finally starting to move out there! Keep it going!”
Then Carrie Ann balanced things out by saying, “You may not have any artistry in your movement, but you have determination.”
Gosselin, meanwhile, wore another lamé ensemble that was downright dreamy in comparison. It does merit being mentioned that she looked fantastically improved over last week’s disaster both costume and performance-wise.
Why her partner is wearing chains and a leather vest, the world will never know.
Oh right, and Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya scored the highest again because he is an Olympian and knows how to bring it, even if he has no idea how to point his toes. He also understands how to work sequins. Note the sequined collar and Trebunskaya’s over-boob cut-outs with sequin details. Subtle I call it…
Lastly, remember that time Erin Andrews almost gave Len a lap dance? Bruno does and he was not amused.