And you thought that after the figure skating season ended there would be nothing to judge in the sartorial department. Enter the costume designers of Dancing With the Stars.
We will begin with the second place team comprised of Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough. They wore sassy sailor suite because they danced to “Anything Goes,” which was a magical occurrence in my mind. They also chose to break the rules of quick step, did not keep enough contact and descended into vaudevillian mayhem, prompting Len to snip, “I think you took the title of the song too literally… there was no quick step.”
But there was lots of cleavage framed by a glittery sailor collar, so that is something.
There was an unnecessary amount of bare-chestedness among the men, particularly for Latin numbers, which clearly mandate a matador costume. Why you might ask? After encountering Chad Ochocinco’s sartorial choice, Words to Bumble guest commentator Kate explained,”Because in Spain men don’t wear shirts, they just wear jackets over their bare chest.”
Pamela Anderson’s partner, Damian Whitewood also felt compelled to show some skin, although to lesser effect than Ochocinco– let’s face it.
Meanwhile, Carrie Ann’s deep thoughts on Anderson’s performance involved the declaration that “You follow your shape.”
And my deep thoughts included, “You wore an orange bra under a white dress.”
Then there was the Indiana-Jones-Goes-to-Egypt situation presented by bachelor Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower. It included a golden archaeological tramp stamp appliqué situation. Incidentally they performed their quick step to “Walk Like an Egyptian.”
Another lady who chose an aqua ensemble decided to forgo the formality of a complete bodice. Edyta Sliwinska wins the prize for exotic attire. I will never cease to be entertained by ballroom dance costumes. Much like figure skating, I have always been fascinated by dance costumes, ever since those special airings on PBS that I used to watch as a child.
And now for the final train wreck of the evening: Kate Gosselin.
Disclaimer: I have no strong feelings about Mrs. Gosselin. I never saw an episode of Jon & Kate Plus Eight, sure I acknowledge that her hair has major entertainment potential, but I am not an established Kate hater.
However, she should never have agreed to be on Dancing With the Stars. Ever. And she should never have chosen to do her “Performance Show” to Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi.” She should have never let hair and make-up give her tranny eyes or that fake side-pony. Furthermore, she should never have believed whoever told her that the spangled, sequined and patterned dress they wanted her to wear would be flattering.
It was upsetting.
The judges were not pleased by the performance either, Gosselin and partner Tony Dovolani managed to accrue only 15 points for their dance, which was “without soul.”
Guest commentator Kate did a deep psychoanalytic breakdown of the performance: “Just like with Kate’s real life, this dance involves her running after the press and ends with her clinging to the paparazzi’s legs” (yes, that was the final pose).
Len called it “pedestrian,” whereas Carrie only gave a puzzled, “That was very strange, sorry.”
This did not help Gosselin’s case of the crazy eyes. You have to feel a little bad for her. If you are Sherri Shepherd then you are very concerned that this might be the only way for Gosselin to support her eight children: “She needs a job!”
But maybe she needs a different job, also known as a real job. Of course, I am not in the best position to note such a fact… unless you were to give me a job…