The Oscars & A Chance to be Snarky

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List style, go.

Red carpet & fashion things: We decided to play David’s “crazy, crazy, hot” game.

  • Charlize Theron, what happened? What were you wearing? Were you afraid that people would think you were androgynous if you didn’t accentuate yourself with swirly boob ornaments?
  • Sarah Jessica Parker: OK, so you said your dress is Chanel couture. That does not automatically make it flattering.. unfortunately. Sorry.
  • Zoe Saldana made the best dressed of the evening according to Hilary Alexanders recap for the Telegraph. I disagree; that was a lot of unnecessary ruching in too many shades. On the other hand, my life did become illuminated when I was informed that Saldana is not only a fierce Na’vi, but–hello— she is the fiercest ballerina from Center Stage! I had no idea, and it brings me joy.
  • Miley Cyrus was obviously attempting to look 35, and one can only wonder why. And then on the red carpet with E!, her mother did a little tattoo exposé. Oy.
  • Meanwhile George Clooney, who we love, was sporting a bona fide homeless man haircut. I noted this and someone exclaimed, “It’s for a movie he’s doing, OK?” Well, I hope it for the movie he is doing in which he plays a homeless man, because that is what he looks like. Or my Dad.
  • Molly Ringwald managed to make Matthew Broderick look like he was aging gracefully. She looks a lot better with wavy hair– sorry Molly, yikes. Someone here queried, “Is that a wig?” Maybe.
  • You might be wondering, who did she like? Well, the first gown that caught my eye was Elizabeth Banks who looked absolutely delightful. Plus she had a bejeweled headband.
  • Amanda Seyfried looks so pretty when she is not looking dumb as hell in Mean Girls, which I have revisited during my recent bout of strep throat. We’re planning a movie marathon of the original Parent Trap, the Lindsey Lohan Parent Trap and then Mean Girls. It might be one of the best ideas you have ever heard.

  • Other sartorial winners? Anna Kendrick, of whom David said, “I wish you had a chance [in the best supporting actress category],” Rachel McAdams, Queen Latifah, Penelope Cruz, Demi Moore, and the ever fantastic Kate Winslet. Let’s take this opportunity to reflect on how happy we were for Ms. Winslet when she won last year for The Reader. So deserving, so happy, so classy. This year she said, “It’s nice to watch everybody else panic!”
  • Kristen Stewart of course was looking typically pained by her life, prompting Brigitte to exclaim, “Oh my GOD, you’re famous. Deal with it. Smile.” Honestly, if you didn’t think that doing the Twilight movies was going to make you insanely famous and fodder for every teen magazine ever, then you are a raving idiot.

  • Gabourney Sidibe had a lovely chat with Ryan Seacrest in which she demanded that the camera be sure to get a full-length view of her dress and then she bantered: “If this was porn, that was the money shot!” I love banter. Banter!
  • Meryl Streep was ever unimpressed by the red carpet experience–fair enough– and revealed her favorite thing about awards shows, “I like seeing my friends all cleaned up,” insinuating that she is generally fairly unimpressed by the state of her compatriots, ahahaa.

Ceremony Things: During which we learned that Brigitte really will cry at the drop of a hat, it wasn’t just the Olympics.


    Neil Patrick Harris opened the show singing and dancing in a sequined tuxedo jacket. It was marvelous. As he appeared on stage he said, “I know! What am I doing here? … Can’t talk about botox without all of you!”

  • Steve Martin teased Meryl Streep about being the most nominated actress over the course of her career, saying that he likes to think of her as the actress with the “most losses.”
  • Martin also referred to Helen Mirren as “that damn Helen Mirren,” prompting Alec Baldwin to correct him, “it’s Dame Helen Mirren.”
  • After they played his clip for best actor in a supporting role, Stanley Tucci rolled his eyes and appeared to say, “awful.”
  • Mo’Nique thanked Hattie McDaniels for “enduring all that she had to, so that I wouldn’t have to,” which reminds me that I have not watched Gone with the Wind in a while.
  • Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. presented awards for writers, whom Downey referred to as “sickly little mole people,” and Fey scolded, “Just say what we type!”
  • During hosterly banter, Alec Baldwin said, “I don’t think the plural of ‘whore’ is ‘whorses’…”
  • The moment they started the “in memorandum” section with “There Are Places I Remember,” Brigitte/Shaun White started to tear up. “Stop it! What is wrong with me!?”
  • I also revealed that as a child, “I used to want to keep a dolphin in the bathtub,” which for some reason people thought was really hilarious and not serious at all. The jumping off point was the documentary clip for The Cove; and by the way– just so you know– Fisher Stevens played the creepy psychiatrist who dated Phoebe on Friends.
  • Jeff Bridges opened his best actor acceptance speech with, “Wooooo!” And let me say, the producers let him talk forever.
  • Stanley Tucci admitted the obvious when he said that “the two movies we [he and Meryl Streep] did together were the highlight of my career.”

    When Sandra Bullock won best actress (first time for a Razzie winner to take the Oscar) she joked, “Did I really earn this? Or did I just wear y’all down?” Other choice moments: “George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago; I’m still holding a grudge!” and “My lover Meryl Streep… thank you!”

  • When Kathryn Bigelow became the first female director to win an Oscar Babs starting to cry, Kathleen said, “Change has come to America,” and Bobby tweeted, “The Orchestra is playing “I Am Woman.” 3/7/10 = the death of subtlety.” Kathleen followed up with, “I love that she beat her ex-husband!” And she did it for both director and best picture.
  • On that note, Steve Martin closed with, “The show is so long that Avatar now takes place in the past.”

Advertisements: Upsetting Things

  • What was the deal with that cervical cancer commercial presented like a glam perfume ad? It ran during the majority of  breaks. Not only is it weird, but it is fairly insulting and demeaning. I am sorry, but I am well aware of the whole cervical cancer situation. Using some ‘shock-me, shock-me, shock-me’ advertising ploy to snag my attention is ridiculous. Thanks, me and my cervix do not need a faux-Chanel ad to be made aware of our risks. And we also do not appreciate being trivialized by your supposedly snappy advertising effort.
  • And then there was the Whoopi Goldberg commercial for Poise. As much as my living room was a little horrified, it was hilarious. It just was. It was a little on the long side, but I just love me some Whoopi. She was not on The View much of this week and I was so sad, I missed her. I missed her comments like, “There’s nothing better than an inflatable beaver,” and “You know it’s cold where you are when all you can do is push a rock and make a game of it” (yeah curling).

And that’s that.



Filed under Commenting, Really., Television

3 responses to “The Oscars & A Chance to be Snarky

  1. This post made laugh so hard (especially the beginning). I loved it.
    And Kirsten Steward pissed me off with her “I’m so bored” attitude.

  2. personally, I thought Miley Cyrus looked gorgeous. I don’t understand what the big deal is about.

    i might have gone lighter on the eye make up though.

  3. Pingback: Show Tunes, Smelling Like A Man & Kindling « Words to Bumble

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