US Speed Skating & the Colbert Nation: “Kicking Ass & Mispronouncing Names”

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… said Stephen Colbert on his Tuesday night show. On Wednesday night he came to us from the Colbert Report ‘sports zeppelin.’

He has also presented an ace profile on himself as the Assistant Sport Psychologist to the US speed skating team by showing footage of his hilarious self diagnosing and then ‘helping’ out a few members of the team. I can’t help myself, I have to recap a few key moments of “Freud Rage: The Iceman Counselth.”

1) Colbert gave Mitch Whitmore a “thigh five,” after talking Whitmore through dealing with his addiction to skating.

2) Lauren Cholewinski was told to imagine that Colbert had stuffed her suit full of meat and then let a pack of wild dogs out on the ice. “You are skating for your…?” “Country?” Wrong. The correct answer? “Life.”

3) Fredricks Tucker has a hard time with Colbert’s trust games since they involve getting poked in the eye, declaring “I don’t trust you!” to an incredulous Colbert.

4) Tucker really wins with the funniest segment, agreeing to let Colbert brand him with a little Nation love by autographing his chest– his heart if you will– since at the Olympics athletes cannot wear any sponsorship labels.

5) And to close the first of a two episode series profiling the antics of this wayward assistant sports psychologist, Colbert had a serious conversation about racing strategy with Tucker’s glutes. And remember, “You’re gonna feel like giving up, but don’t– you’re not just any ass, you’re an Olympic ass, remember that.”

Part two of the exposé featured a team pep talk involving such motivators as: “Your self worth is riding on what you do here.”

Shani Davis also made a an appearance via fireplace satellite where he admitted that “If [Stephen] were there in my 1500 m race I probably would have won the gold [instead of the silver].”  Is there a true reconciliation in the works?!

Earlier in the week Bob Costas had jokingly confirmed with Colbert that “animosity really fueled [Shani].” On last night’s show Colbert admitted that “Shani prefers that I do most of my coaching from the stands.”

But don’t worry kids, the boys have made up. Shani presented his medals to the Colbert Nation: “This one is also for Stephen Colbert and the Colbert Nation, thank you so much.” I’m glad your PR person is doing their job Shani.

And for old times sake? “Stephen, you’re a jerk,” with a south side smile on his face. What is a south side smile? It’s something that I made up, which I am allowed to do since I too am from the south side of Chicago. And it’s my blog. So there.


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One response to “US Speed Skating & the Colbert Nation: “Kicking Ass & Mispronouncing Names”

  1. Pingback: Dressed to Kilt: Shani Davis at the Glenfiddich Sponsored Charity Fashion Show « Words to Bumble

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