USS Monitor in action with the CSS Virginia, J.O. Davidson, March 9, 1862

Officially, the 150th anniversary of the launch of the first Union ironclad warship falls on Monday (January 30, 1862 + 150 years). The USS Monitor was constructed at Continental Iron Works in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and if you love a little local history, at this very moment in dear old Greenpoint, a whole day of festivities celebrating the USS Monitor is in swing, culminating with a Civil War concert this evening from 7-8:30 pm at the Church of the Ascension (127 Kent St., Brooklyn, NY 1122), where a suggested donation will run you $10. For those who are not lactose intolerant or fans of prohibition, there is wine and cheese before hand.

Additional events will literally carry you through the entire weekend. Go be historical! You might even see Kathleen there.

Additionally, to get in the spirit you can listen to one of my favorite historically geared songs by one of my favorite Brooklyn-based bands: Bishop Allen’s “The Monitor.”

It’s the enhanced version.

The second “this” is defined as “Hate Actually”, a holiday post from The Hairpin, by said Bobby Finger.

“Hate Actually” assesses each of the Love Actually love story plot lines, broken down into “hate actually” and “love actually” bulleted points. It’s pretty entertaining. It probably will not make your entire day, and it is certainly well past the holiday season (although, true story, I am still rounding up the odd holiday decoration about the abode), but it made me giggle. I do love actually bulleted points.

Consider this bit:

“Sarah (Laura Linney) and Karl (Rodrigo Santoro)

Why I hate actually it:

• Yeah. Karl is single.
• All the pressure for initiating the relationship is placed on Sarah, despite the fact that Karl seems to return the interest.
• Yeah. Karl is single.
• Sarah’s brother’s illness is too vaguely presented for me to fully comprehend her compulsive phone answering. Couldn’t you have pressed ignore while Karl was in your bedroom?
• Yeah. Karl is single.

Why I love actually it:

• Laura Linney deserves so much happiness! Haven’t you seen You Can Count on Me?
• Karl’s glasses!
• When Alan Rickman is like, “YOU NEED TO DATE HIM,” basically because he’s such a great and supportive boss even though he cheated on Emma Thompson!
• Their first dance!
• When she laughs and jumps after their first kiss!
• She’s a really good sister.”

Knock yourself out reading the rest. Again, that’s here (#gratuitousrepeatedlinkingtosomethingthatisnotevenmine).

More on cocktails coming soon. I tried the Mississippi Mule and Mr. Manhattan.

There is nothing and yet everything to say about this.

Three More Special Moments

• In Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue he read out restraints placed on him by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. One was in regards to profanity to which Gervais responded, “That’s fine. I’ve got a huge vocabulary. No nudity: See that’s a shame because I’ve got a huge [pause]…vocabulary—but a tiny penis.”
• Claire Danes, upon winning Best Actress in a Television Series—Drama for her role in Homeland, reminded us that she won her first Golden Globe (of three) when she was fifteen-years-old in the same category. The series was My So-Called Life, and she burst into tears as soon as she left the stage, horrified that she had forgotten to thank her parents. I bet they bring it up at every major family gathering—wouldn’t yours? But really, it just made me giggle to remember how much everyone in my age group loves My So-Called Life, and how it is perpetually in my Netflix queue as some sort monument in memorandum to my youth.
• Matt Leblanc won Best Actor in a Television Series—Comedy/Musical for Episodes. Period. That was a highlight to my life, as someone who can recite the entire ten-year run of Friends. A fairly run-of-the-mill acceptance speech becomes adorable when halfway through Leblanc cuts himself off and exclaims: “Wow, I’m so nervous!” And doesn’t he look ever so dapper with grey hair?

Let’s go ahead and end with a slide show of noteworthy gowns—mostly good, but two that just befuddle me. Disclaimer: I missed most of the red carpet action… again.

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I actually made myself watch at least half of each of Lana Del Rey’s performances when I finally DVRed it up with Saturday Night Live this morning. Really, I did. And that is last I have to say about it, other than noting that this Thought Catalog self-defense is pretty special, and calling your attention to the awkward spin she did halfway through “Video Games.”

Onwards.

Aside from the lacklustre musicality, Daniel Radcliffe’s SNL outing was pretty solid. There was only one Harry Potter sketch (“No one wants to see Dumbledore working at Harry Pottery Barn”), a lot of reddish wig wearing, and a lot of back-and-forth in the accent department. The Potter movies benefited from a healthy dose of humor, throughout the entire series, culminating in surprising moments of levity in the face of death in Deathly Hallows, Part 2; thus, I had been waiting to see how one of the lead three would fare hosting SNL, betting on Radcliffe given that he just finished How to Succeed…, has been living in New York, and has a new film coming out (sidebar: how few people noticed that Emma Watson is in My Week with Marilyn?).

Remember when Seth Meyers was in sketches? / NBC.com

The opening monologue wasn’t entirely inspired or hysterical, but it wasn’t awkward either—and quite often, really, that’s a win on SNL. Radcliffe jibed at adult fans of Potterdom, explain that although “I know [the books] were long, but that’s because the letters were big—you know for children.” He also reflected that of all the actors who have played him in past sketches (Rachel Dratch, Bill Hader, Will Forte, Hugh Jackman), that “I think we can all agree Jackman came the closest.”

Although they DO both sing and dance... / NBC.com

Someone has a high opinion of himself.

Just saying.

So after a hilarious No-Really-I’m-Not-A-Robot-I’m-Just-Like-You Mitt Romney cold open by Jason Sudeikis, and monologue, the night carried on with the return of Target Lady and an epic-mullet-wearing Radcliffe as the stock boy who loves her. In this sketch, we were all afforded a moment to confront and accept just how incredibly porcelain Daniel Radcliffe is, when he ripped his shirt open to display the muscles he is beefing up for Target Lady. In case you missed it in Deathly Hallows, Part 2 and/or Equus… he is a pale man with very dark hair.

Blam! / NBC.com

Also, there was the first of the Sarah McLachlan jokes for the evening when Wiig’s character is told to keep the change—which is not allowed to do—she cries, “I know! I’m gonna give this to Sarah McLachlan and her wet dogs!”

Meanwhile, critics of Participation Trophies and the self-indulgence of blogs everywhere are sure to have enjoyed the “You Can Do Anything” show, celebrating the most affirmed generation in history:

• “Because I have no shame or self-awareness.”
• “I’m what you would call ‘Twitter famous’.” “Meaning?” “Not famous.”
• “I went to a school with no grades! I tried, and therefore no one should criticize me.”

Shortly afterwards, a promo for the Jersey-Boys-alike musical, Delaware Fellas (representing the state that was named after another state’s governor), ended with a ringing endorsement from Joe Biden (seriously though, where has he been lately? #irl) who gives the show “three and a half trains: Woot! Woot! Woot! Wo—!”

And then there was the return to Hogwarts, where young wizards will spend the best years of their lives, “Honestly, the best. It does not get better,” as a washed-up Harry Potter informs them.

In regards to recent life events in the post-Voldemort world: “And just yesterday—this is equally exciting—I bought a Volvo.” That’s a big deal. And very safe.

Radcliffe also stopped by the Weekend Update desk (my favorite place, clearly), as Casey Anthony’s newly adopted Yorkshire terrier, asking: “I mean, where was Sarah McLachlan on that one?” when Anthony applied to adopt a canine companion. HE also spoke out against the perceived monopoly cats have on certain types of humor: “Dogs can be sarcastic too. It’s not just for cats.”

My dog is always sarcastic. Especially when I throw something for her to fetch and she makes me go get it instead.

Seth Meyers also informed us that “A pub in England ahs started selling a special beer designed for dogs. I’m sorry, let me read that again: A pub in England has started selling Miller Lite.” Meanwhile, I have started drinking PBR as a method of staving off hangovers, since it is the equivalent of downing a nice cold tallboy of water.

I also really enjoyed the New Hampshire Primary Exit Poll sketch, and for some reason died when one of Wiig’s questions to Radcliffe went like this:

“Can you sleep on planes?”
“Yes!” with great enthusiasm.
“I can’t!” And I hate you a little.

For the record, I can doze on planes.

And the last, most magical thing that happened, went down when Fred Armisen and Seth Meyers were off on stage left at the end of bows, totally jamming it out.

So while I am glad that I made the choice to see some live sketch comedy on Saturday at Chicago Sketch Fest (which incidentally involved a parody of the way Saturday Night Live wraps up the show every week), and today I am pretty pleased that I have a DVR and that it is forever programmed to record SNL—just in case.

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Top Moments in [Roughly] Chronological Order (because why should I have to further organize my notes?)

• 

  abc.com

  Jodie Foster gamely thumbs-upped Ricky Gervais’s Beaver commentary at the opening monologue (and also her children look exactly like her).

• Ricky Gervais to Johnny Depp, after introducing him, says he has one question for Johnny… Are you ready? “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” “Ahh, no… Oh boy, he’s fun,” as Ricky walks off stage.
• Christopher Plummer. Period. I still get excited about Christopher Plummer on merit of my intense love for The Sound of Music, but I swear, I am going to see The Beginners. I promise.
• Kelsey Grammer could not possibly have been more blasé about his win for Boss: “Ah, well, this is very nice.” Yes, Kelsey, generally, one would say it is rather nice. Some people even choke up a bit (I mean, true, let’s not be over-indulgent), but… yes, it is very nice for you. Also, yes, announcer, we all remember Frasier. For the record we also remember and miss Seinfeld and Friends, back when NBC was “Must See” and not just the sad third-rated network… or whatever it is these days. Maybe it no longer even has a ranking (I cry bitter tear for you, NBC).
• 

  nymag.com

  Tina Fey’s photo bomb on Amy Poehler’s nominee shot. #golden

• Ludovic Bource’s acceptance speech for Best Score (The Artist) opened with the hilarious apology: “I’m sorry I’m French,” and continued on to the admittance that if his acceptance was a piece of music/dance, “It would be a tap dance.” There should always be more tap dancing in life. Always.
• Ricky Gervais introduced George Clooney as the “Cloonmeister General.” Clooney accepted the accolade with grace.
• Felicity Huffman and William H.Macy sang their bit of presenter banter, and it was actually pretty magical. 
• 

  EOnline.com/Jason Merrit/ Getty Images

  The answer to your query as to whether or not Nicole Kidman could actually breathe even once whilst teetering in her gown is: No, no she could not breath. I assume she cut herself out of the columnar gown ASAP and put on a nice sensible muumuu post-haste.

• Helen Mirren brought some humor to the Sidney Poitier presentation Morgan Freeman’s shiny new Cecil B. DeMille award. I just wanted Freeman and Poitier to hug it out.
• I love a man in tails. When Robert Downey Jr. came out to present in a full white tie and tailed tux (which he flipped out as he settled in front of the microphone), someone in the audience simply could not hold it together and shouted, “Yeah!” Agreed.
  

  latimes.com

• The only time  at which Leonardo DiCaprio abandoned his expression of utter confusion (aside from the look of exquisite non-amused-ness when he did not win in his category… again), was the smile that broke when Martin Scorsese won Best Director for Hugo. 
• I wish the sound has not cut out when Ricky Gervais introduced Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek.
• The second apology for being French came from Jean Dujardin of The Artist as he accepted the Globe for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical: “I’m French too… It’s not my fault my eyebrows are independent.” And then he mimed his joy—which was kind of magical. Make sure you catch his dancing as the camera pans away from the stage. 
• Colin Firth’s well-done swing back at Ricky as a form of Hollywood penance. 
• Here’s a scenario: Meryl Streep wins yet another Golden Globe, managed to act surprised, bustles her way up to the stage, realizes that she’s forgotten her glasses and will have to actually remember her prepared comments rather than read them. In a team effort moment, her reading glasses get passed up from her table to the front of the stage, where George Clooney hand them to David Fincher, who absolutely cannot get his shit together and hand Meryl Streep her flipping reading glasses. Fincher proceeds  to sit there as she attempts to remember the other nominees’ names (someone shouts out “Rooney”), whilst George Clooney thinks to himself, “Why on GOD’S SWEET EARTH, did I not just walk the extra three steps and hand Meryl the glasses myself, Fincher is such a tool.” Meanwhile the rest of us wonder if Meryl Streep is leaving the Golden Globes up one trophy but down one pair of reading glasses. Fincher stole them.
• 

  huffingtonpost.com

  And in adorable moments of the night, we have the famous dog from The Artist who not only attended the Golden Globes (they really need to fill seats), but got to scamper up on stage as part of the accepting party when The Artist won Best Comedy/Musical. Thoughts after the win: “I am the famous Artist dog, Uggie, where is my treat? I’m adorable, but that doesn’t mean I am any less famished than any other dog at any given time.”

You know I just love Letterman.

Who’s excited? Who’s intrigued? Don’t lie to me.

What kind of bird are you?